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As requested by a few people, I am working on a serious, informative response to each question to be included at the top of each question's section.

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As you can see, I've split up the list into two pages as it is now over 450 answers long!

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I would NEVER do that.

[P] [T] And I'm sure there's a very good reason, isn't there? (accompanying bitchy smile usually confuses them)
[P] [T] Good, that's what wrong with all the good things in life - people like you try to get involved.
[P] [T] Good.
[P] [T] I know.
[P] [T] I will ALWAYS do this.
[P] [T] I would never wear that.
[P] [T] My God, I'd hope not! You're ugly enough as it is!
[P] [T] Not voluntarily anyway ...
[P] [T] Only the lucky few hear the call (with a smile and wide eyed stare).
[P] [T] Pansy!
[P] [T] Really? You're the first person I've met who's said that!
[P] [T] So then it's a good thing you don't get possessed very often?
[P] [T] So?
[P] [T] That's a pity for your lover.
[P] [T] That's just something ugly/stupid/small minded people say.
[P] [T] Well, It's not for pussies!
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How do you blow your nose?

[P] Very carefully.
[P] I don't - I pick it, especially when I get hungry!
[P] I put a Kleenex in front of my face, take a deep breath, close my mouth and exhale really hard. Is there another way to do it?
[P] I've had my sinus passages rerouted to my arm pit ... it's easier to hide a runny nose that way.
[P] Oh, it's really gross ... snot comes out.
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How do you eat?

[P] Eat? I can't eat anymore with this thing in my tongue ... I get all my nutrition by I.V.!
[P] Hmm, typical question from an anorexic.
[P] How do you think with that shit in your brain?
[P] I don't - I roll around in food and let the flavor soak in.
[P] I don't, I'm a robot.
[P] I don't, I'm solar powered.
[P] I don't, it's the only diet program I can afford.
[P] It's a difficult choice between using a fork or a spoon.
[P] Luckily, my mother is open-minded about breast feeding.
[P] My wife breastfeeds me - she likes how the stud feels on her nipples.
[P] Very well, I've been told.
[P] Well, I put food in my mouth, chew it, and swallow. How do you eat?
[P] With chopsticks.
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Does it go all the way through?

[P] Almost, I'm trying to join something.
[P] No, I put them on with superglue.
[P] No, it just kind of hangs there stuck in partway on both sides.
[P] No, the nipple is the one place in the universe where the laws of physics don't apply. So the part that's supposed to be through my nipple is actually in the 4th dimension, along with Elvis.
[P] No, they're magnets.
[P] No, those cost extra.
[P] Where else would it go?
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You're one of those freaks, aren't you?

[P] [T] A second look is better than none at all.
[P] [T] And you are ... (while extending hand and grinning maniacally).
[P] [T] I didn't get all these holes to be just like everyone else.
[P] [T] I play backup guitar for NIN.
[P] [T] I want to be just like Jon Cobb when I grow up.
[P] [T] I was just gonna ask you the same thing!
[P] [T] If you mean someone who thinks you're an idiot, yes.
[P] [T] It's a lifelong dream.
[P] [T] Jealous?
[P] [T] No, I'm one of the other kind.
[P] [T] Trent Reznor is my idol.
[P] [T] Well yes, I've got my membership card right here.
[P] [T] Which kind?
[P] [T] Who told you?! Who told you!? (Whilst looking around frantically and dragging them into a dark corner).
[P] [T] Why thank you!
[P] [T] Yeah, you won't believe the stigma that my (BS/BA/MBA/PhD/MD/other professional certificate or advanced degree) has left me with.
[P] [T] Yes, and we're all gathering at my house this weekend to sacrifice a goat in my back yard, won't you join us?
[P] [T] Yes.
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What else do you have pierced?

[P] (Start undoing trousers/hitch up skirt, keeping constant eye contact with whomever asked the question).
[P] I answer that question on a "need-to-know" basis...
[P] If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
[P] If you want that information, you'll have to beat it out of me. Please?
[P] I'm not telling.
[P] Isn't that a personal question? We've barely met.
[P] Male: My clitoris. Female: My scrotum.
[P] My butthole. I think it's the only one like it.
[P] My dog, my bird, my gold fish, my bicycle, my lucky plastic straw, etc.
[P] My goldfish's dorsal fin.
[P] My left kidney.
[P] My penis (Then as the victim's jaw drops reply "No, you can't taste it, I don't swing that way!" If victim is a woman, look around and state "Well, I suppose you can taste it...but don't bite.").
[P] My penis (Then as the victim's jaw drops, launch into a tirade of the ridiculously intense pleasure that it gives while having sex).
[P] None of your (fuckin') business!
[P] Now, or before I became a woman?
[P] The question is; What don't I have pierced?!
[P] Well, I had a lot more before I became a woman.
[P] Whatever else I felt like poking a needle into this week.
[P] Why don't we get a room, and you can find out!
[P] You have an imagination, right?
[P] You really don't want to know.
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Isn't there some sort of health risk?

[P] I collect infections like stamps.
[P] No, I bathe in Betadine.
[P] Only if you go through a vital organ, which should make your brain a relatively safe piercing.
[P] Well I only have 2 years to live now, and my <part pierced> will fall off within a few months, but dammit I love it!
[P] Yes, but life is a challenge in general.
[P] Yes.
[P] [T] If I die, will you take my puppy?
[P] [T] Not if you wear a condom.
[P] [T] Only at sundown (stare blankly through them).
[P] [T] Only if I have sex with you.
[P] [T] Only on the 5th Tuesday of every third month.
[P] [T] So is sex, have you sworn yourself to a life of celibacy?
[P] [T] Ya, and its contagious.
[P] [T] Yes, bodyart is contageous.
[P] [T] Yes, but not as great as the risk to your health if you keep asking me stupid questions (look threatening).
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Did you know that's a sin against the Lord?

[P] Actually, Christ was into piercing too.
[T] The body is God's temple... it's up to us to wallpaper it.
[P] [T] Anton LaVey didn't seem to mind ...
[P] [T] But, but, I did it for him! (sob)
[P] [T] He said: "Thy shall not"...not ""They". So mind your own business.
[P] [T] I asked Him, and I just figured silence meant consent.
[P] [T] In God's eyes - maybe, but Satan doesn't seem to mind.
[P] [T] The sin occurred when your parents got together.
[P] [T] Well according to Laviticus, you are right, but if you believe that Christ died for us and our sins, then there is nothing wrong with it.
[P] [T] Well, I'm trying to get His attention, but He just keeps ignoring me!
[P] [T] Yes! Oh, you're right, I see the truth now! I am a sinner, oh who ever will help me now, I have betrayed the Lord, (look up) Lord, cast down on me a dark angel to beat me and whip me, oh ya baby, spank me, ya that's what momma likes... harder!
[P] [T] Your point?
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Doesn't it get caught on stuff?

[P] Oh, but that's half the fun/challenge!
[P] Only on other peoples piercings.
[P] Only on stuff like ceiling fans and telephone poles, [other ridiculous items].
[P] Only on the things I lick.
[P] That's precisely why I got it.
[P] Well, only in my boyfriend's/girlfriend's pubic hair.
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Won't you regret that when you're 80?

[P] I did it so that I can hook a chain to them, put it around my neck and hold my tits up.
[P] It's so I can be properly tied down into my wheelchair.
[P] When I'm 80 and knitting, I'll have someplace to put my needle, won't I?
[T] God no! By then I hope it will be much more elaborate.
[T] It'll turn into a Dali painting all by itself.
[T] Mine's high up on my thigh so anyone who'd see it would be getting pretty personal ;)
[T] No I won't regret it when I'm older and heavier. For now it's a dolphin, if I gain 50 lbs it will be a whale, but if I loose 50 lbs, it'll be a guppie.
[T] No worse than my tits will look when I'm eighty, I imagine.
[T] That's the great bonus - it will hide liver spots!
[T] Well it was either this or redraw it every day for 60 years...
[T] What?!? You mean they don't fade?? Oh f--- !
[P] [T] At eighty, I think what I shall regret are the things I always wanted to do and never did; the experiences I denied myself because I was too concerned about others' opinions, or too anxious for their approval; but I think I would regret most a life wasted
[P] [T] Hey, if someone still wants to look at me there when I'm 80, I'm going to be very happy indeed (this one depends upon placement, obviously).
[P] [T] I don't know, will you still like your face?
[P] [T] If I did things ONLY if I knew I'd still like it when I turned 80, I would end up being just like you!
[P] [T] I'll worry about it when I'm 80.
[P] [T] I'm going to be 80 some day? I feel so old now, thanks freak!
[P] [T] I'm hoping to die young.
[P] [T] In my country freaks like me are culled at sixty so Iím not anticipating any problems.
[P] [T] It's an experimental age-defying piercing/tattoo.
[P] [T] Life is too short to be ordinary.
[P] [T] Me and Clinton have a suicide pact to take care of that one.
[P] [T] Most likely.
[P] [T] Naw, cause I'll be taking the grandkids to get there first ones.
[P] [T] No, because of this I won't live to see 80.
[P] [T] No, I plan to shoot myself in the head at 79.
[P] [T] Not as much as I'd regret buying a Mariah Carey / Christina Aguilera / Britney Spears album.
[P] [T] Not as much as you'll regret wasting my time with such stupid questions (then look menacing).
[P] [T] Not at all! Now *90* is another story...
[P] [T] So long as itís still getting me laid, I donít think so!
[P] [T] Sure, but Iíll only be eighty for 12 short months.
[P] [T] To tell you the truth, if it keeps bleeding the way it does I donít think Iíll last that long.
[P] [T] What do you mean? I'm already eighty-six.
[P] [T] When I'm 80, I'll look forward to being able to look around the nursing home and see who lead boring, insipid lives.
[P] [T] Will I still be ALIVE when I'm 80?
[P] [T] Will you still like having sex when you're 80?
[P] [T] Will you still like me when I'm 80?
[P] [T] Will you still like your spouse when you're 80?
[P] [T] With the growing prevalence of Alzheimer's disease, I don't think I will remember it long enough to regret it.
[P] [T] You know, that's the sad thing - I hate it *now*. Ah well, live and learn.
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Most people do that for sex!

[P] And in your vast experience, why do the REST of them do it?
[P] And my girlfriend told me it would make eating more pleasurable!
[P] Gosh I hope so!
[P] I did it so I could piss off my parents.
[P] It helps with masturbation too!
[P] No shit, I wouldn't have spent $75 to not eat for three days if there weren't benefits.
[P] Oh, there are other reasons?
[P] Pretty good plan, eh?
[P] Sex? I've never had it! I'm a 29 year-old virgin. So what's it like?
[P] Well, I did it to improve my radio reception, so there!
[P] Would you like to find out why? (wink)
[P] Yes, but this one's for my SO. Now, that one is for me (shown with evil grin).
[P] You know, most people do *most* things for sex, if you get down to it...
[P] [T] Hell yeah, I'm making way more money now.
[P] [T] I wouldn't know, my cult doesn't allow that sort of behavior.
[P] [T] Yeah, and the dog likes it too!
[P] [T] Yeah, but my piercer/tattooist let me pay cash instead.
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Did you do that just to get attention?

[P] No, honest I didn't. Just a second, that guy over there doesn't know I'm pierced, be right back!
[P] Yeah, every time I feel neglected I show people my tits/dick and man oh man do things change.
[P] Yeah, I thrive on having people like you hassle me on my personal choices. Would you care to see my ink so you can critique it, too?
[P] [T] No, gorgeous people get attention anyway.
[P] [T] No, I did it for you, I love you.
[P] [T] No, I did it to attract flies.
[P] [T] No, I get attention for my tendency to kick the crap out of people that ask me stupid questions.
[P] [T] No, I get enough attention just being me, but I consider it an insurance policy.
[P] [T] Well, it worked, didn't it?
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You didn't pay for that, did you?

[P] No, it came free in a box of Cheerios.
[P] [T] I exchanged it for my soul.
[P] [T] Nah, your <insert either girlfriend or boyfriend depending on gender> did!
[P] [T] No Sparky, I fucked for it.
[P] [T] No, that one was part of a two-for-one deal.
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Can I touch it?

[P] Show if for $1, touch it for $5, suck it for $20, fuck it for $100.
[P] When you do, is it ok if I orgasm?
[T] No, it will rub off.
[P] [T] No you can't touch it, it'll blow up and then we'll all be screwed.
[P] [T] Yes.
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What happens if you don't look after it?

[P] I know this guy, like, he got his head pierced, and like, his whole head fell off!
[P] [T] People like me won't bother talking to you anymore.
[P] [T] You die.
[P] [T] You finally get a decent night's rest.
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