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The List is ...
F**king funny!

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I get tons of comments and suggestions about The List. Frankly, it's what keeps me working on the site and has been a great source of inspiration for me on this latest round of updates. I even hope to create an AvantGo channel of The List so you can take it with you on your PDA. If you're interested, let me know.

As requested by a few people, I am working on a serious, informative response to each question to be included at the top of each question's section.

Please use this form if you want to send me additions to The List.

As you can see, I've split up the list into two pages as it is now over 450 answers long! Look for a PDF printable version soon.

Go to the second page.

What is that thing?

[P] A festering, gangrenous wound.
[P] A paper clip.
[P] A rusty nail.
[P] An ancient torture device, I've been very, very bad.
[P] I was standing too close to the arc welder. They're just metal drops fused to my skin.
[P] Inevitable outcome of a freak accident involving a nail gun and some BB's.
[P] It is a tracking device so that my mom (the FBI, my parole officer, my g/b friend, the CIA) knows where I am at all times.
[P] It was a horrible fishing accident - I don't want to talk about it.
[P] It's a bit of barbed wire left over from a bike accident.
[P] It's a door knocker to heaven on earth.
[P] It's a hitching post for my lover.
[P] It's a magic ring, if you pull it it opens a wormhole to the magic land of Tir Na'nog.
[P] It's an antenna for my wristwatch television.
[P] It's an instant orgasm (for tongue ring).
[P] It's an listening device placed by aliens so they can spy on us.
[P] It's dental bracework.
[P] It's just a pull tab from a beer can that I found outside. Pretty cool, huh?
[P] It's kinda like when they tag bears with those big orange things ...
[P] It's the only cat toy the cats can't push under the fridge and lose.
[P] Oh, just something I found on the floor and thought was pretty.
[P] Something to hitch my stockings to.
[P] You know those headgears for braces? This is the 90's version.
[T] It's a duck. Or, It's the "Celtic Squid of Life" (asked about an abstract tribal tattoo).
[T] It's a Japanese bar code. I'm $2.95, on sale this week only.
[T] Its an encoded message so that my body can always be identified.
[T] It's Sanskrit for "Satan Lives Within"
[P] [T] Hmm.... good question... well... hmmm... ah... dunno... hmmm...
[P] [T] I don't know. I just woke up one morning and there it was.
[P] [T] I dunno, it happened when I was abducted by aliens.
[P] [T] It was an initiation ritual for the suicide cult I just joined.
[P] [T] It's a birth defect. I'd rather not talk about it, it makes me self-conscious.
[P] [T] My reward for spanking your mother with a hairbrush.
[P] [T] What thing? Where? (look) AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
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Did it hurt?

[P] About this much ... (then reach out and dig fingernails into idiot questioner's nipples).
[P] Every hit yourself with an electric staple gun?
[P] Gawd, not as bad as my P.A. (coming from a female).
[P] Hell yes! Do you think having an inch-long needle shoved through your chest wouldn't hurt?!?
[P] If it hadn't hurt, I wouldn't have paid for it.
[P] It's just like being crucified.
[P] I've poked a hole in my body, what do you think?
[P] No, I love having infected puss dripping out of my eyebrow/ear.
[P] No, it felt good as the needle made the first halting puncture, and then lanced through all in one intense shove.
[P] No, trapping my knob in my fly hurts.
[P] No, why do you ask?
[P] Not really, but boy, does getting a PA hurt (subsequent explanation of a PA should shut them up).
[P] Only when the piercer beat me for spewing on him (or her).
[P] The left one, no. The right one, yes.
[P] Try hammering a nail through your (lip/nipple/penis) and YOU tell ME!
[P] Yes, and I loved it! (evil smile should complete the effect).
[P] Yes, and this is my 5th in the same hole. I keep taking it out so I can re-do it and enjoy the pain over and over again!
[T] No, I just like the feeling of 1800 puncture wounds being made every minute.
[T] No, it was licked on by kittens.
[T] Only for about the first hour, then you get so delirious you can't feel a thing!
[T] The outline felt like it was cut out with a hot razor, when he got to the colors I was numb.
[T] Well, it felt like having your skin flayed off, a millimeter at a time.
[T] Well, you know how it feels when you get a shot? Imagine that 2000 times a minute for about a half hour.
[P] [T] Actually, this conversation is far more painful.
[P] [T] After the gangrene set in, I couldn't feel a thing!
[P] [T] Did it hurt when your mamma dropped you on your head?
[P] [T] Have you ever had an orgasm? Well, it's nothing like that!
[P] [T] I don't remember, I was too busy bleeding.
[P] [T] I don't remember, I was too busy screaming.
[P] [T] I felt as though each of the Gods rode down upon a liquid stream of fire, and took their turn sending flashes of agony through my nipples and enjoying the tortured expression on my face.
[P] [T] If it doesn't hurt, what's the point?
[P] [T] It probably hurts you more to look at it.
[P] [T] I've had other people hurt me more (accompanied by evil grin).
[P] [T] I've had worse things done to me by people who say they like me.
[P] [T] Like a fork stuck in your eye, but in a good way.
[P] [T] More than a bee sting, but less than plucking your eyes out with a spoon (best said with spoon in hand).
[P] [T] No more than getting kicked in the face with a golf shoe.
[P] [T] No more than my _______ (insert any other bodmod here).
[P] [T] No, actually I found it rather stimulating.
[P] [T] No, actually it tickled so much I fell out of the chair.
[P] [T] No, but I can show you one that did.
[P] [T] No, did it hurt when they removed your brain?
[P] [T] No, I was born without nerve endings.
[P] [T] No, it fucking tickled.
[P] [T] No, my childhood prepared me for pain.
[P] [T] No, right up until my piercer slapped me for coming on to him.
[P] [T] Not after the pain went away.
[P] [T] Not as bad as this one, or this one, or this one, or this one...
[P] [T] Not as much as looking at you.
[P] [T] Not as much as the first seven did.
[P] [T] Not as much as your lack of originality.
[P] [T] Not nearly enough!
[P] [T] Only for the first couple of years.
[P] [T] Ooohhhh baby, say that again. Oh God yes, please. (scream) SAY THAT AGAIN DAMMMITT!!!
[P] [T] Rush Limbaugh is far more painful. Laura Schlessinger, twice that.
[P] [T] Well, after I fainted from all the blood loss ...
[P] [T] Well, it all depends on how you deal with pain, now doesn't it (accompanied by a sweet, innocent smile usually does the trick)?
[P] [T] Well, it's not for pussies!
[P] [T] What do you think? Oh, sorry, didn't mean to bring up a sore subject...
[P] [T] Yeah...and it tastes just like chicken.
[P] [T] Yes, but it was a good hurt!
[P] [T] Yes, but my life is pain.
[P] [T] Yes, I have to take pain killers for it twice a day.
[P] [T] Yes, I live in excruciating pain.
[P] [T] Yes. (Followed by a dead stare at the questioner).
[P] [T] You'll have to ask one of my other personalities.
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Why did you do it?

[P] Cause I couldn't get laid for $25?
[P] I just like the beeping sound of airport metal detectors.
[P] I like to run marathons without a shirt. Now I have somewhere to hang my number.
[P] I need it to fasten my restraints during my "episodes".
[P] I needed a place to tie the gerbil's leash.
[P] I needed to attach the high voltage to SOMETHING.
[P] I want my baby to have something to hold onto while breastfeeding.
[P] It keeps demons from crawling into my ears.
[P] It keeps peanut butter from sticking to the roof of my mouth.
[P] It wanted to get my total piercings to X (X=visible piercings + 1, evil grin should complete the effect).
[P] It's an experimental treatment to contain random outbursts of violent behavior.
[P] Its like that little perch on a bird house ... but for the demons in my head.
[P] It's reputed to enhance certain sexual acts for those upon whom they are being performed. Would you like to see?
[P] It's someplace to hang my locker key when I'm in the shower.
[P] Oh, so you've never kissed someone with one? (when asked about a tongue pierce)
[P] So I could make a fortune in porn.
[P] You can never have too many holes in your head! (answer to when asking about eyebrow piercings...or something else that's pierced through your head)
[T] Because I had a boil lanced and needed to cover the scar.
[T] I am a walking piece of art, and since you are viewing me, you are certainly welcome to make a donation to increase the capacity of this museum's stores.
[T] I got it in prison for killing someone who asked too many questions.
[T] It was an impulse buy at a tattoo convention (this is the truth).
[T] So that when I die, someone can cut off my skin with an Xacto knife, tan it, and have a nice piece of art to hang on the wall.
[T] To cover up that hideous 666 birthmark.
[P] [T] Because I can!
[P] [T] Because I didn't have any narrow minded, irrational, straight edge friends like you to stop me.
[P] [T] Because I think it looks pretty.
[P] [T] Because it's a part of His plan (accompanied by an upwards look).
[P] [T] Hey, it was a triple-dog dare. And I never lose one of those!
[P] [T] How the hell else am I going to communicate with the mother ship?
[P] [T] I dunno, why'd you get that haircut?
[P] [T] I get a new one every time I go across the equator.
[P] [T] I had it done in the midst of a three-week speed, heroin, and acid binge.
[P] [T] I had to one-up my little sister/brother/best friend.
[P] [T] I had to show up my mom!
[P] [T] I like pain.
[P] [T] I lost a bet. It was either this or licking a cows ass, you tell me?
[P] [T] I wanted to look more like a Republican.
[P] [T] I wanted to see how it compared to getting hit by a bus.
[P] [T] I was tired of lurking on rec.arts.bodyart .
[P] [T] If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
[P] [T] If I'd known I would have to answer all these dumb questions, I might have reconsidered.
[P] [T] If you don't know already, it just wasn't meant to be.
[P] [T] I'm a victim of fashion.
[P] [T] I'm an undercover FBI agent.
[P] [T] I'm sorry, it's a secret.
[P] [T] It was a dare.
[P] [T] It was on sale.
[P] [T] It was part of the initiation.
[P] [T] It was supposed to be a stupid people shield. Doesn't seem to be working, though.
[P] [T] Jesus told me to.
[P] [T] Just so that my very existence would be offensive to the likes of you.
[P] [T] My cat told me to.
[P] [T] My tooth fairy stopped giving quarters, so this was the next best choice.
[P] [T] No reason in particular, I was just bored.
[P] [T] Someone told me it was a good way to meet men/women.
[P] [T] The voices told me to ... (then clutch your head and repeatedly shout, "Get out of my head!", or "Leave me alone!")
[P] [T] The voices told me to ... don't you hear them?
[P] [T] The voices told me to ... have they sent you?
[P] [T] The body is a temple. Have you ever seen an unadorned temple?
[P] [T] The Devil made me do it (in a suitable graveyard voice).
[P] [T] The witness protection program told me it would be a good idea to change my image.
[P] [T] To give (stupid/narrow minded) people a way to start conversations.
[P] [T] To prove to my mistress that I really do care.
[P] [T] To remind me that I'm a filthy, filthy little bastard.
[P] [T] Wait a minute - I thought YOU knew!
[P] [T] Why do we do anything?
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Is that real?

[P] No, it came in a box of a) Crunch Berries, b) Cracker Jacks.
[P] No, it's a clip-on.
[T] Nah, it was done with disappearing ink.
[T] No, it's a state of the art high-fashion hologram!
[T] No, it's an iron-on.
[T] No, it's one of those stick-on ones.
[T] Yes, but only the outline. I colored the rest with crayons.
[T] You're welcome to try to rub it off (especially if near breast or other excitable appendage).
[P] [T] I don't know what you're talking about, there's nothing there! (Then shrug and walk away)
[P] [T] Is what real?
[P] [T] No, from the neck up I'm a cartoon.
[P] [T] No, it is a figment of your obviously warped imagination.
[P] [T] No, it's a new magic trick I'm practicing.
[P] [T] Sure - are you?
[P] [T] That depends, how exactly do you define 'reality'?
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That's permanent, you know ...

[P] No, my boyfriend usually rips it out with his teeth every night and pierces it again just as I climax.
[P] Well, the jewelry is permanent, but I'm not (Then launch into a morbid discussion about how, after death, your body will rot away, leaving a coffin full of tiny metal rings).
[T] A lot of people think that's a problem - but who knows, I might get hit by a bus tomorrow. The 'rest of my life' might not be that long.
[T] Duh.
[T] For the price I paid, it better be.
[T] I hope so, after all the time it took!
[T] Is anything in life truly permanent?
[T] It is? Uh oh.
[T] Just till the leprosy hits that part ...
[T] No shit? There ought to be a sign or something in the tattoo parlor.
[T] No, it comes off with sandpaper and a good wire brush.
[T] So is a nose job, maybe you should consider one.
[T] So is being boring.
[T] So is ignorance.
[T] So is your plain skin.
[T] That's what the guy in the shop said, but I didn't believe him.
[T] That's what they said about Elvis.
[T] Well, at least until the leprosy reaches that part.
[T] Yep, but that's OK, because I'm killing myself next Thursday at 2:45.
[T] Yep. But I'm getting the rest of my skin lasered off next week.
[P] [T] Not really, since I haven't finished paying for it yet.
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Does that mean you're gay?

[P] No, it means I like having holes in my head/body/penis.
[P] [T] Does that outfit mean you shop at K-Mart?
[P] [T] God, I hope so.
[P] [T] I used to think so, but lately I've been having these thoughts....
[P] [T] No it means I don't like guys/girls with... <description of person asking>.
[P] [T] No, but what your dad (mom if appropriate) and I did last night definitely means I'm gay.
[P] [T] No, does that mean you're a redneck?
[P] [T] No, that's purely a coincidence.
[P] [T] No, this other one means I'm gay.
[P] [T] This one means I'm gay, and this one means I fuck water buffalo. (Taken from George Carlin)
[P] [T] Why? Do you fancy me? (works best with members of the same sex)
[P] [T] Would you like to find out? (to person of same sex)
[P] [T] Yeah, but they did that for free when I was initiated into the secret gay society.
[P] [T] Yes, and I think you're hot!
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What did your parents say?

[P] My dad was tripping and thought it was a magic beetle and tried to eat it.
[T] Is that some sort of infected cut? (literal truth - one mom asked that of an ankle tat).
[P] [T] And for your next birthday, how about a motorcycle?
[P] [T] At least you're not drunk and pregnant.
[P] [T] Dear God, Nooooooooooooooooo!
[P] [T] Hey, they told me to do what I like with the inheritance from Grandma.
[P] [T] I ate them.
[P] [T] I couldn't understand my father, his mouth was full and his tongue was busy (add wink here).
[P] [T] I didn't really pay attention. The TV. was on.
[P] [T] I like it ... but I still think your fathers/mothers is better.
[P] [T] I was genetically engineered and grown in a beaker. My lab tech thinks it's cool, though.
[P] [T] Move over, it's my turn.
[P] [T] Mum's always too tied up in the kitchen to notice!
[P] [T] My dad stabbed me, but that's ok, because my mom dropped the gun when she saw the blood.
[P] [T] My mom forced me to get it.
[P] [T] My mom held my hand while they did it.
[P] [T] Nothing ... I told them that it was your idea.
[P] [T] Nothing, after I cut out their tongues.
[P] [T] Nothing. They still haven't gotten over my leather fetish.
[P] [T] Parents? I was raised by dingoes.
[P] [T] So what do you think [insert name of person presently asking] will say?
[P] [T] They only shrieked as the car spun out of control and careened off the embankment.
[P] [T] They're happy I'm upholding the family tradition.
[P] [T] This was a great idea for a family outing.
[P] [T] Well that was stupid!
[P] [T] Well, they're dead.
[P] [T] Where can I get one of those?
[P] [T] Who do you think did it?
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You must have been pretty drunk!

[P] Yep, and I saved two bucks 'cause I found my own needle in an alley!
[P] [T] No, but I was when I slept with your daughter.
[P] [T] No, but the guy that did it was.
[P] [T] No, when I get drunk I get naked and run through town.
[P] [T] That's the same thing I said to your dad when he knocked up your mom!
[P] [T] Well, actually I was on PCP and later that day I bought a hand gun. Ahh, I love America.
[P] [T] You know, everything seems more logical whey you're drunk/stoned.
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What on earth will your gynecologist think?

[P] He advised it, it gives him something to play with while he is down there!
[P] I *am* the gynecologist!
[P] i don't go to a gynecologist... I'm too young.
[P] It gives her something to hold onto during an examination.
[P] It's a handy hanger for the speculum.
[P] She charges extra, because I have it laced up like a shoe.
[P] Who do you think recommended it?
[P] [T] She's got one too.
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Go to the second page.

Submit your addition to the list! Join the thousands of other people who have sent me stuff! Revel in the instant fame! Appear on talk shows! Have streets in your home town named after you! Have Duran Duran do a cover of a song you wrote! Receive marriage proposals from Lyle Lovett! (Look, just send me the quotes, will you?)

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